You already know how much time scares me — not only for its inexorable passing, but above all for the feeling of being stuck, motionless for years, like automatons marking time with anniversaries, waiting for the clock’s final tick. Well, this year wasn’t like that. I think it was the most intense year ever, full of changes I’m still struggling to get used to, to find a new balance.
On this blog, I’ve always had a kind of rule: I always try to write very honestly, but to do so I need to talk about events that happened long before. Not just to have the ability to process what happened, but also to avoid showing my cards while situations are still ongoing. This post will be different — writing helps me think and straighten out my ideas, and right now I need that.
Work Link to heading
Well, I haven’t actually talked about it on the blog at all. In recent years, my professional career has had more than one setback. I’m wrong to say “professional” — that was exactly the point of the last year and a half. Suddenly I realized I didn’t have a real profession, no trade worthy of the name. For many years I worked managing the Italian “branch” of a Russian company. It doesn’t matter what we did; I assure you it was all legal. I won’t even explain why and how it ended. If you live in this world, you can figure it out.
After it ended, I thought a lot about how I’d spent the first 30 years of my life. The conclusion wasn’t pleasant: I’d had a ton of experiences, but in vastly different fields, and above all I had no real trade. Simply put, I couldn’t walk into a company and say “I can do this,” because there wasn’t one single thing I knew how to do. It wasn’t entirely true; many years earlier I’d gotten my truck license, CE, with CPC and everything, but I’d never really used it. So I looked for work in that sector. The idea was rather seductive; I’d spent years solving problems, worrying about a thousand things. The prospect of earning money doing a monotonous job seemed like a dream. I found one pretty quickly (there’s insane demand). I worked for Bartolini, driving a truck hauling trailers full of packages, always night shift, Monday to Friday, 6 PM to 5 AM. It seemed perfect; I barely met anyone, listened to tons of podcasts, was very relaxed, and earned really well too. I lived this life for almost 7 months before finally realizing I’m not that kind of person (and that I’m not a good truck driver). I felt I was wasting a lot of my potential (however much that’s worth; I don’t think I’m a genius, I was always mediocre at school, but I’ve always had a great ability to solve problems). So I started thinking about once again turning my life around.
The problem was the same: I don’t know how to do anything. Age was becoming an aggravating factor; past 30 it was almost embarrassing. But I didn’t have much choice — if I didn’t make a decisive push right then, it would be impossible in the future. I thought back to everything that gave me even a hint of enthusiasm in life, and above all something with at least some earning potential (I couldn’t exactly become a marathon runner). I liked computers; I’d never really programmed. Basically, for years I’d installed Linux and configured various things, but I’d never written a line of code. Right after high school, I’d enrolled in computer science, but I dropped out after the first year because I didn’t like the program.
So, in the end, I decided to give it a try. I have to admit, mostly because it seemed like one of those professions that don’t require a degree and you can enter even later in life. I started studying, and against all expectations, I really liked it. I didn’t like interfaces at all, so I focused on backend. First, I learned Node.js; then, almost by chance, I started doing things with Python. It was love at first sight, and I never stopped from there. Initially less, but then with increasing intensity, I kept studying. I started doing small projects and feeling real satisfaction in solving problems. After a while, I started looking for work. First through connections; it seemed like a good idea, but it all fell through in the end. But it wasn’t wasted time, because it introduced me to FastAPI. Then, one Sunday, just after waking up, I remembered a meeting from 3 years earlier when I was looking for funding for a small business project that never launched. This person had mentioned owning a software company, but at the time I didn’t pay much attention. Now, however, it seemed like a good idea, so I tracked him down. Everything was frighteningly fast; we met the next day. I’d just put together a rushed resume and stuffed it with personal projects, because I had zero work experience in the field to show. He asked me a few questions, but nothing particularly technical. At the end of the interview, he told me he’d give me a 3-month trial contract. I couldn’t believe it; it was one of the best days of my life. I still remember walking out and my hands were slightly shaking from disbelief. I’d start two weeks later, beginning of the month. And until the first day of work, when I actually set foot in the office, I couldn’t believe it.
Today, it’s been 7 months since I started. The trial period is over, and I’ve been hired permanently. I still suffer a bit from impostor syndrome; I work with people who’ve been doing my job for years, even people much younger than me. But I don’t feel particularly inadequate. The environment is very healthy and friendly, and I get along really well. I’m learning a huge amount, and I’m starting to put things into production that I’ve built from top to bottom myself (which makes me especially proud). I’m still not sure it’s my path, but never before have I felt like I’m doing something that suits me. The weeks fly by; very often I go to work happy to be going. I don’t think that’s ever happened before.
Home Link to heading
A direct consequence of stable employment was the ability to live on my own. Not that I needed to; work is a 7-minute drive from my parents’ house. It was even stupid from a certain point of view, but hey, I’m 32 damn years old; it’s way too late to put it off. I started looking for a place in the summer, and immediately made a shocking discovery: finding a house in Carrara in 2023 is a hellish endeavor. A multitude of reasons contribute — the Academy of Fine Arts, Italian Sea Group, new landlords renting apartments at crazy prices to host out-of-town workers — plus those who live off summer rentals, doing short-term winter lets. In short, in Carrara, rental houses simply didn’t exist: online was a desert, agencies were empty. But I didn’t give up so easily; at one point I was so exasperated that I started going to a different agency every time I left work (there are really a lot of them). Most of the time, they almost laughed in my face when I said I was looking for a rental. My efforts paid off, though; after a few weeks, I got a bite at an agency that had an apartment on their hands. I took a half day off work and went to see it the next day; an hour after seeing it I made an offer, and a few days later the apartment was mine.
Here too, it was love at first sight; it’s not big but it’s perfect, exactly what I need right now. I’m still getting used to living alone; I still buy too much food for one person and most of the time throw half of it away, but I’m improving. I’ve now mastered the art of laundry with a certain skill. I haven’t managed to create routines that waste as little time as possible yet, but I’m working on it.
Love Life Link to heading
Just a year ago, I was putting down in black and white (or white on black, depending on the theme) my relational discomfort, the abyss I believed I’d never escape. Well, things took an unexpected turn. I’ve now been in a relationship for almost 9 months, lol. I won’t talk about it much, partly respecting my principle of narrative asynchrony, but I do want to say something. It probably wasn’t love at first sight; I was coming out of a very compromised emotional situation, I was shattered and had no faith that things could work out. It seemed like just another encounter, and even today I struggle to understand what was different, what made us move forward. It hasn’t been easy; I’m a person too used to being alone and I struggle a lot to empathize with others’ need for closeness, but I’m trying. I think I’ve improved a lot. I still struggle to conceive of an “us,” but I feel myself getting closer with the passing of time. Of course, there are many issues, but I don’t feel like discussing them here — not yet. After a while, when you lose the famous “rose-tinted glasses,” you start seriously thinking about whether you’re made to be together. For now I’m happy; the foundations are there, the rest is merely a matter of time.
YouTube Link to heading
Oh, right, I started a YouTube channel with a name I’m very proud of: HappyBackending. I started 3 months ago, and so far I’ve managed to do one video a week. It’s not much, but it’s been very demanding even like this. The first videos took me about 10 hours each; now I’m much faster. The results aren’t exceptional; I have 91 subscribers as of today, but I enjoy doing it, so results are merely a matter of time. I’m in no hurry. The few feedbacks I’ve received have been extremely kind; I was expecting much more toxicity. For now I’m having fun; I’ve always wanted to do this, so I don’t really care about the rest.
Resolutions Link to heading
Let me benchmark against last year’s resolutions:
- read every day: done — little, badly, but done, even if just one page
- study languages: more or less; as proof, I can say I reached 904 days of Duolingo streak
- exercise: first half of the year was great, then starting work everything went to hell, but I’m making a strong comeback
This year I intend to continue on this path, with a few small tweaks:
- read every day, at least one book a month (this one’s tough)
- participate in at least 3 running races
- keep studying languages, but with a more serious approach — I’m leaning toward German
- reach 1000 YouTube subscribers (this one’s really tough)
I won’t add anything else because the risk manager in me is already freaking out as it is.
Conclusions Link to heading
What a ramble. If you’ve read this far, I probably care about you. There’s a lot on the fire and the fire is burning hotter than ever — excellent conditions for getting burned. From here on out, things can only change. I have big plans for the future, but I don’t want to talk about them yet.