It’s been a while since I last wrote. Life has been quite turbulent, both in my work and private life. But there’s a recurring thought that has been occupying my mind for a while now, and I wanted to write it down here, both to reflect on it and to get some opinions: sex as the ruin of all kinds of interest.
Some context Link to heading
I’ve always thought that I wasn’t made for relationships. I’ve never felt a real need for them and I’ve always perceived them as suffocating. I’ve never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months, and in exceptional cases, a year. It’s not that I didn’t feel anything or didn’t care, it’s just that over time, it all dissipated into nothingness.
Things have changed as I’ve grown older. That primal fear of becoming old and alone becomes more and more real. When you’re young, it’s easy to go from one hook-up to another to satisfy your desires (and your ego), but what about when you’re 50? Will you become one of those slimy middle-aged perverts destined to die alone? I know it’s an extreme perspective, but sometimes it takes that form in my mind.
There’s another issue that’s closely linked to the previous one: the disruption of social circles. After university, groups of friends slowly start to disintegrate, not because affection disappears, but simply because people retreat into a different dimension - that of a couple. The couple becomes the basic social unit, which tends to relate to other couples, distorting the previous arrangement. The result is that it becomes very difficult to organize any kind of activity as a single person, or you are at least limited in doing so. At the same time, observing this dynamic, you still want to have someone to travel with, to spend free time with, to share the beautiful and ugly things in life with, but does it necessarily have to be a partner? Is sex really what cements this type of bond?
I admit that for most of my life, I have exclusively pursued sex, distinguishing it from other types of relationships. There have been times when I tried to create something different, to start from different bases, to postpone intimacy in order to “cement a deeper bond.” Needless to say, it was always a failed choice. I’ve never been able to explain why, but it’s the type of approach that always ends badly, probably my fault. On the sex side, things are always very different.
The heart of the matter Link to heading
I have always needed just a few seconds in person to understand if I find someone attractive, and from that moment on, that person becomes the object of my maximum interest. I immediately notice various qualities and overlook any defects that may arise. If the feeling is mutual, it ends up being the most satisfying first encounter. In the following days, I enjoy staying in touch, and it’s usually all simple and light, almost always. It’s rare that we see each other without concluding, but troubles always come to that point. Over time, I have identified a sort of deadline: the third encounter. At that point, my interest drops from 10 to maybe 2, I start noticing everything that I missed before, and my desire to meet again goes down to zero. And yet, the person is always the same, hardly anyone can change in a week…
Needless to say, cutting things off at that point is always mortifying. Personally, I never take it well, partly because I feel guilty, but mostly because I feel a sense of desolation, the feeling that I will never find someone who can really take my breath away. Almost immediately, to make up for this feeling, I resume my search, fueling the mechanism.
One could object by saying that it’s just a matter of time, but listen: I’m 31 damn years old, is it possible that it has never happened? Consequently, every time this described dynamic perpetuates, a pebble is added to that enormous mountain under which what remains of my heart is probably buried. Melodramatic? Maybe, but it gets the point across.
All of this is not meant to be a vent, but rather to understand if I’m really the only one who experiences a situation like this. The people around me have no problem getting attached, carrying on relationships, and concluding them; everything seems so healthy and genuine. On the other hand, I seem condemned to fleeting relationships destined for oblivion in a short time.
Regards.
P.S. Rereading, I realized that certainly someone who has been involved in all of this will come across the post. I believe I have been very explicit most of the time, but not always, so I just want to add: I have never pretended interest in anyone; things just go as I described, don’t blame me for it. ❤️